#lovingyourselfisnotsoeasy
I was a teenager when a boy from my class said he liked me because I’m kind and helpful even when others are mean to me. And he said I was pretty too, but didn’t want me to share this conversation with others. He said “let’s keep it between you and me” . That’s probably the first time I understood that I am well connected to shame. But I didn’t realize for a long time as to what this could mean to me and my future relationships. Boys back then always had a problem disclosing their likeliness towards me. They wanted to be with me because they saw I was beautiful , despite my looks and my body. They all had something in common — being with someone like me wasn’t “normal “. While some managed not to pin the problem on me, others failed because I could not be their eye candy.
It wasn’t just about that, it was more of “you’re not good enough” and that made a shattering difference in my life. For many years I considered it a universally recognized fact that it’s ok to be violated and be pointed out my limits. I assumed I had to be thankful that anyone wants me at all. And that’s how I got treated. And once in a while , if I ever tried to make up my mind and gained some confidence , in spite of all the constant judging around , they were so good at gaslighting me.
This continued for years and now , at 34 , I constantly try not to carry the baggage of insecurities anymore. It’s hard not to, believe me, it’s really hard. Although now I feel loved and accepted for who I am for people who matter to me or to anyone new I meet, I still hesitate and still fight the “maybe I’m not good enough” feeling!!
Just give it a thought — Why do you think people starve themselves and ruin their happiness, use filters to cover their scars or Photoshop to look perfect to the world ? Because we never miss a chance to ridicule other people and make them feel like a piece of crap!
I felt ugly and worthless because of what others thought, not because of how I am or how I felt.
If at all we can be just a lil kinder to each other and just be more considerate , I think we will really go a long way in making this world a better place.
